| "That place is heaven." | March 23, 2016 | 1:25 am |
Grief is something that has a different meaning to everyone person. I am sad to say my grandmother lost her fight to cancer. It happened about a week ago but I just could not bring myself to write about it. In my mind if I wrote about it then it was fact and actually happened. I have coped with my grief by simply pretending that it has not happened and was just a bad dream. Everything from holding her hand and saying good-bye to collecting the special trinkets she left to us is something my demented mind created. At least that is what I have been telling myself for the last week.
I would get her great grand kids dressed and take them to see her almost on a daily basis. We would walk out the door and head down the road as I would tell them “lets go see Me-maw, Pappy and Grandma. Now we get dressed and head down the road and I start out the same sentence until my mind stops me and I cry. My husband and I have started to try to explain to our two-year old about heaven and how Grandma has went there. He still does not really understand why that sentence makes me cry. We have told him Grandma has went to a better place and that place is heaven.
I spent most of my life living with my Grandmother or right next to her. Through the years she always lived with my parents or in a house next to them. Even when I moved out on my own it was not many years before I moved down the road from her and my parents. I wanted my children to know how wonderful it is to grow up with grandparents. She was a wonderful grandmother who kept a snack drawer and always had an understanding ear. It never mattered that my dad is her son, if he was upsetting me she would always listen to what I had to say and try to get him to see my side.
As hard as it is right now to grasp the fact she is gone the real heart break will set in when the weather is warmer. It will set in when I walk the kids down the road to see my mom and dad and she is not sitting on the porch in the sun reading a book. When she is not there where I always thought she would be smiling at me is when I will truly cry. That will be the moment I will break down and i will know she is gone.
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| "The Mother" | February 13, 2016 | 6:37 am |
Let me start with the fact that I love my kids and husband. With that established… let me go into more detail. I feel over whelmed, under appreciated and generally taken for granted. I find myself taking the “night shift” with our newborn more often just to have time alone. When I am awake it feels as though everyone needs a million things from me. Our thirteen year old need to tell me about his new follower on YouTube. Right after him the nine year old need to tell me all about his new Halo quest. For your FYI I know nothing about Halo except it is played on X Box. After that it is nine in the morning and after no sleep my two year old is awake. He gives me a kiss and demands Paw Patrol and pancakes. While in the kitchen I realize the counters need wiped and I forgot to make bottles for our newborn. At that very moment I pause and notice I did the exact same thing yesterday at the exact same time.
I flash back to a time when I had an important job I would have just been dialing into. I worked as a telephone operator for major companies. When I got pregnant with my fourth biological child I was medically taken out of work. I am used to being up when the sun rises so I can do my make up and hair then heading out the door so I can help the world. I am not used to getting a shower at five in the morning because my bundle of joy has puked on me. When I get so over whelmed with being a “stay at home mom” I tend to freak out. I feel guilty that something that most women would love stresses me.
I take a little five minute break in the bathroom. While I clean the thirty dollar potty chair our son never uses, I remind myself that most women would kill for my life. I have a wonderful husband that manages my OCD breakdowns and take the hardest shift. I have two wonderful older children who help me through my everyday tasks. I was blessed with two year old that can light up any room and newborn daughter that is just like her mommy.
As I drink my third glass of wine I remind myself tonight that tomorrow I will wake up and realize how blessed I am. I will convince myself of the truth… I am still a powerful, smart and independent woman who is doing the most important job in the world. I am cultivating five lives that will change the world. I have the best and most important job in the world… I am a mother.
Motherhood is not exactly the glorified journey you read about, but it is worth every bump in the road. When your child says “you are the best mom and I love you” it just fills that empty space. I am coming to embrace I am a hot mess to everyone in the word, but a wonderful mother in my kids eyes. What more could I ask for?
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